My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Monday
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips