My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.


What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad


Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*


teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now


Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.


Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…


Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.