My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent