I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?