My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life