My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family


Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


*calls Rosetta Stone*
Yes hi I was wondering if you had a course on body language
*my friend choking on buffalo wings clutches his throat*


My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.


Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.


My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!


Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?