My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
🛁
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.