Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
You Might Also Like
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*calls Rosetta Stone*
Yes hi I was wondering if you had a course on body language
*my friend choking on buffalo wings clutches his throat*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.