my favorite genre of twitter
You Might Also Like
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.