my favorite genre of twitter
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
We have a winner.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Weighing up my bread heating options
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.