Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.