don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s Hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl