@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

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@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

@Dawn_M_

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@sofarrsogud

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

@rockymomax

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

@LanaAllende

Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s Hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@NourHadidi

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@InternetHippo

me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl