My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.