*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
This is a true ally.
I have never related to anyone more.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit