my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?