me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You Might Also Like
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
For the ones in the back.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I told my vodka about you.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.