@InkedUpKidder

My favorite Jobs:
1. Blow
2. Steve

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@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@juliussharpe

I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.

@mrtruthandsoul

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”