If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.
If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.