@InkedUpKidder

My favorite Jobs:
1. Blow
2. Steve

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@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@KentWGraham

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

@WilliamAder

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.