RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
You Might Also Like
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Good news
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
meow
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones