My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.


My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.


Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.


When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.


Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.


I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers


Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.