My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.