“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap