My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager