I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*