My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Yeah. This was me today.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.