@notalogin

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

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@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

@serenehavoc

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@JustDontBugMe

Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”

@CovertAgentP

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity