My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”


Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.


Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that


I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.


It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity