2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
You Might Also Like
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
ME: *googling* how to lose weight
GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol
ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Me: Officer I can do this all day
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.