My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
i like to flex on them by shrugging
ATMs should have breathalyzers
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.