My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!


When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.


ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes


Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.


Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.


the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.


girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important


*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.


I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.