On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning