My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didnât know it was plastic.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
ok iâm just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems Iâve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: Thatâs the question you wanna ask?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, thereâs no way real people could be this stupid?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because heâs 3. So Iâm having 36.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.đ
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isnât, he doesnât have a tail, heâs an ape
Me: he definitely has aâ *googling pics of Curious George* omg
sorry but Iâm allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no letâs go letâs go letâs gooooo.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling âweâre late for pick up!!â and âwhere are my keys?!â and âI need wine!!â and I donât have a clue where she got the idea for that game
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Yup….perfect score!
Guys, stop telling women âyouâre beautifulâ get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..