my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”