My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Bros before Ohioes
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.