*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.