@BunAndLeggings

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

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@ThisOneSayz

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

@TheWoodenslurpy

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

@PinkCamoTO

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

@orangecrushable

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@_LittleMsBossy_

Apparently saying ‘exist over there’ while pointing is not the best way to greet people in the mornings.