@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

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@JoParkerBear

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

@Freak0nIine

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@ArtIsMyPorn

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

@foodfacenow

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”

@garrettbarry70

A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what