my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.


“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine


Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke


ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again


In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.


The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.


*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*


if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”


A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.


Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what