my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win