My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.