@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

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@samalmightysam

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

@itsWillyFerrell

My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.

@TitansHomer

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

@hazelmotes1

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@DadandBuried

*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

@KentWGraham

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

@birbigs

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

@sweet_toof

“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address