My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.


My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.


What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?


*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*


When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.


I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.


[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?


*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!


I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.


Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django


“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address