@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

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@beefman138

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

@MomOnFire

This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@TheTweetOfGod

I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.

@batkaren

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

@harryreefeco

Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked

@UnicornSyrup

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.