My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.


This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.


Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”


I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.


Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.


Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked


No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.


Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.