My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
You Might Also Like
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
buying dead houseplants to save time
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.