My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
asked my bf how work was today
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.