My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
You Might Also Like
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Name this drama.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.