My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Oh. My. God.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.