My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
You Might Also Like
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”