My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

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The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.


The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.


In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.


Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”


I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit


[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*


Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.


Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.



I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy