The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”
I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables
They taste like shit
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Roses are red.
My name is not Dave.
This poem makes no sense.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy