@AndrewNadeau0

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

You Might Also Like

@JohnPoveromo

The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.

@chuuew

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

@Cheeseboy22

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

@KenJennings

Motion to rename biological clock “restless egg syndrome.”

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit

@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@TheComedyHumor

Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.

Microwave.

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy