My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Oh thanks BBC.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.