@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

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@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@Playing_Dad

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@Douchekevin

You’ll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

@ol_boo

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

@Firawesome

I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?

@pleatedjeans

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”