My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell


[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”



Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.


And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”


wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?


My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”