My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
You deplete me
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I need to get some bricks…
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour