@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

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@DontTouchMyWine

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@NicCageMatch

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

@stephenjmolloy

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

@tsm560

Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51

@shawnspree

Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@Troman88

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@SamuelSaulsbury

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

@BoogTweets

A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching