@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

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@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Smooheed

About to start selling my new weight loss program

For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

@Angibangie

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@chrislockefun

DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

@GinAndJif

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@mad_cattery

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

@mollzbenn

What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.