My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


About to start selling my new weight loss program

For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again


This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics


Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.


DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.


I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.


person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do


person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE


A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.


[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest


What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.