All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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About to start selling my new weight loss program
For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving
person 2: don’t tell me what to do
person 2: *dies skydiving*
person 1: I hate to say it but—
person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.