My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
fair
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Camping tip: No.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT