My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

You Might Also Like


I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.


Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.


[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”


Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51


Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM


I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.


I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.


[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”


A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching