COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.