my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.