ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.