@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

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@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@Skoog

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

@cakickboxher

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

@AbbieEvansXO

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.