@InternetHippo
@TheHatStore
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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@TheHatStore
@JamieDMJ
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
@juliussharpe
I hope I’m never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.
@ShortSleeveSuit
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
@thenatewolf
Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?
Me: that obvious?
Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”
@ojedge
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
@the_moonface
Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.
@kieransofar
neil armstrong: iβll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
@samalmightysam
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it