@InternetHippo

My favorite restaurant review

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@TheHatStore

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

@JamieDMJ

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@juliussharpe

I hope I’m never involved in a long trial, mostly because I only own one suit.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

@thenatewolf

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”

@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.

@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

@samalmightysam

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it