Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
This was the best day of my life
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Breaking news:
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The USS B port
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.