There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Beware…..
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”