@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

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@aka_fatman

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

@nuttywhippet

There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo

@nayele18maybe

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

@justabloodygame

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@QwertyJones3

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

@GianDoh

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is