@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

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@ShockTartBionic

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

@shawnspree

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.

@canadasandra

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@fishbowel

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

@jazz_inmypants

hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.

@thatcarlygirl

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs