@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

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@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

@TheAlexNevil

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

@JoeRegular4

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

@casablankstare

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point

@MissNaughty1801

…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

@SarahFemme

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

@teir3s

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made