My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?


Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]


*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.


[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different



Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point


…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more


Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.


can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”



Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around


I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made