My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.


My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.


Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.



stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.


hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.


“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs