Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
i want to work in this restaurant
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent