@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

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@envydatropic

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@danjan13

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@ThisOneSayz

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

@seamussaid

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

@dafloydsta

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

@Skoogeth

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

@jonnysun

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head