My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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A friend sent me this.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.