My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.


I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch


Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.


As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…


A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.