Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.