[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Baller is short for ballerina
Sorry not sorry.