@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!

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@TommyRainmaker

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

@randypaint

god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes

@Darlainky

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

@QwertyJones3

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

@McMcmadmac

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@krakkenlackin

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

@ShutUpThatsWho

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

@RodLacroix

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.